For so many of my years on this planet I felt so much power...
Lightning strikes marking my decisions.
And things were good...under the tightest grip of my will.
Over the last year I was forced to loosen my grip - and my sandcastle cities crashed down. Years of perfection washed away in weeks.
Luckily love heals control freaks too :)
A very special man came into my life and reminded me that I am loved. Even in my most imperfect and ugliest moments. I'm Loved.
Love.
But...
It's easy to be scared. It's easy to be hopeless. You want a real work out? Put down the free weights and try to find joy every day. No matter what your boss or co-workers say. No matter how many creditors call...how many hospital visits you make...find smiles. Choose to be happy.
Don't let worry win.
I woke up as a single parent, renting a tiny duplex, with a teenage son who is becoming the man he was always meant to be...imperfectly wonderful BUT nothing like my life was supposed to be.
Cause guess what? I'm not driving this train...I am right here in the middle of the world getting married and I haven't been on a date in years.
I am happy and content and acutely lonely...ahhhhhhh so much joy and so much yuck.
Welcome to 2015 my friends, my love and my lurkers...
Do you want to hear the hopeful joyful sadness of this moment? My favorite song of the day:
It's time that you won...
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
reset...
I think one of the reasons kids are so happy is because they have no memories.
Who among your adult friends would be brave enough to keep trying something so difficult as WALKING if they fell 10,000 times trying? Most adults don't stray too far out of their comfort zone...for fear of failure, looking stupid, making some horrendous regrettable choices from which they can't recover.
But young children? Well they wake up each day like it is Christmas morning. They have forgotten the 9,999 times they fell attempting to let go of the coffee table and take those first few tentative steps towards the cheering parent.
I am sure the cheering helps.
We also rarely cheer our grown up friends on when we are sure they will fail. We try to keep our friends safe...we don't encourage them to quit the comfortable job, move to a strange city, or anything that would upset the status quo.
I remember setting up my little munchkin for success in his early endeavors. I would move the coffee table closer to the couch while he was learning to walk and make sure the edges of the table weren't sharp.
Once I learned that concept...of setting him up for success...I was amazed at how infrequently we do that as adults. Sure I wish I would eat more healthful choices, but when I go to the grocery store hungry I will certainly fill my cart with quick fix and empty calorie choices.
This past year has been tough for me. Up until my 45th year I honestly can say I had no regrets (well except for not having more children...).
Then...the past year? Uncharacteristically for me... I have made some bad choices. this past year.
I have not been setting myself up for success, and my memories of the falls, the failures, are in the forefront of my mind.
Today I wondered what it would be like to wake up with those bad memories gone. Sure, I would still have the job that is crushing my soul, the out of shape body, the empty bank account...but the aching regret of the choices I made to get in this place would be gone - leaving me with a clean slate.
And what if God had secretly moved the coffee table a little bit closer to the couch for me in the night? Could I try for the 4000th time to take some wobbly steps towards freedom?
Well let's see :)
Who among your adult friends would be brave enough to keep trying something so difficult as WALKING if they fell 10,000 times trying? Most adults don't stray too far out of their comfort zone...for fear of failure, looking stupid, making some horrendous regrettable choices from which they can't recover.
But young children? Well they wake up each day like it is Christmas morning. They have forgotten the 9,999 times they fell attempting to let go of the coffee table and take those first few tentative steps towards the cheering parent.
I am sure the cheering helps.
We also rarely cheer our grown up friends on when we are sure they will fail. We try to keep our friends safe...we don't encourage them to quit the comfortable job, move to a strange city, or anything that would upset the status quo.
I remember setting up my little munchkin for success in his early endeavors. I would move the coffee table closer to the couch while he was learning to walk and make sure the edges of the table weren't sharp.
Once I learned that concept...of setting him up for success...I was amazed at how infrequently we do that as adults. Sure I wish I would eat more healthful choices, but when I go to the grocery store hungry I will certainly fill my cart with quick fix and empty calorie choices.
This past year has been tough for me. Up until my 45th year I honestly can say I had no regrets (well except for not having more children...).
Then...the past year? Uncharacteristically for me... I have made some bad choices. this past year.
I have not been setting myself up for success, and my memories of the falls, the failures, are in the forefront of my mind.
Today I wondered what it would be like to wake up with those bad memories gone. Sure, I would still have the job that is crushing my soul, the out of shape body, the empty bank account...but the aching regret of the choices I made to get in this place would be gone - leaving me with a clean slate.
And what if God had secretly moved the coffee table a little bit closer to the couch for me in the night? Could I try for the 4000th time to take some wobbly steps towards freedom?
Well let's see :)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
some things I love...
This boy...texting his friend who happens to be a girl.
Claiming he was NOT sleepy...and more importantly was NOT interested in the girl he was texting and that he NEVER would be able to sleep in this "strange smelling beach house".
He was asleep within minutes...
My new (to me) camera which I don't understand AT ALL. I can't even see well enough anymore to figure out all the buttons and levers. And I am too lazy to read the manual/bible that came with it. But I think if I were rich enough to retire I would travel the world, collecting discarded items, snapping pictures and showing off the beauty in the ordinary.
Here's me trying to capture the "super moon". For some reason the flash was determined to fire...and though I was using a fancy remote-activated trigger - I still managed to wiggle the camera enough to make it appear more like a "super glow worm". Heehee.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
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