I don't know very much about this whole wide world...and the things I don't know seem to grow exponentially whilst my 100%, for-sure knowledge evaporates with each year.
But I do know that I am a good mamma. I always tell people it just comes easy to me. And even though before I had my son I had never changed a diaper or helped a kid tie their shoe - the moment I first held my son I told him "I've got you" and I meant it. I could be be just what that little baby needed. And I do a pretty damn good job most days (well except for the cussing) ;)
This past weekend was my birthday. My maternal unit was hell bent on taking me out to get me "whatever I needed". I don't enjoy spending time with her, certainly not on special birthdays...and honestly I am old enough to know better. But a little teeny part of my heart still begs for attention from her, and craves any act that can be construed as motherly. So against my sister's advice, I agreed.
Now please understand my devoted reader, that I am living on public assistance, sweat and hope. Each month I come closer and closer to complete financial dissolution. And my only pair of shoes has a hole. Which I hate. Even welfare moms have pride. So I asked if I could maybe get a new pair of shoes and my mother is giddy with the idea.
I pick her up and we begin our day. Of course she needs to run a few errands first...the bank, some stupid ass fabric store (I know, I know, the cussing is bad). Once we hit the shoe store I know I am in trouble. She plops herself down and starts trying on everything in the store. She has 2 sales people helping her pick out the perfect shoes for church as I nose around for something lesbian chic and not too pricey.
My mother decides on a pair of shoes for herself...and of course she needed socks and whatnot. Her grand total? Nearly $300. She looks over at me and says now she doesn't really have enough to get me a pair - but she could give me $40 cash towards anything I want. She then holds onto her package and says how bad she feels for getting a pair of shoes for herself on my birthday but she really needed them.
Sigh.
I didn't take the money. And once again I remember why I don't ask for anything from that woman.
But...if I try really really super hard to look on the bright side I can honestly say that having such a poor excuse of a mother helped me figure out the type of relationship I wanted to have with my own son. And maybe learning how to get what I needed for myself from such a young age prepared me to be in this world on my own.
Still it was a sucky way to spend a birthday - luckily my sister didn't gloat too much ;)
