There are two versions of the story of what happened yesterday...
According to my friends I carelessly left a cutting board, kitchen knife and MY HEART on the doorstep of a woman who no longer loves me.
Obviously that isn't MY side of the story ;)
Because I'll tell you something, my heart is not on a cutting board ready for surgery. It is not wrong to thoughtfully and carefully express yourself, is it? I wasn't hurtful or dramatic - I tried to use as few words as possible but still get my point across.
And truthfully I was compelled to try - my heart took over and defied all the logic and reason my brain could hurl at it. Complete system override. How do I feel today though, after hearing no response to my romantic attempt at reconnecting? Well today my brain is kicking my heart and yelling "I TOLD YOU SO - YOU IDIOT".
Secretly my heart is proud of trying...because you never know for sure until you try. And since I really believe this woman is worth it...I tried. But my heart is dutifully taking its lumps and hurting. Hurting worse than I could have imagined.
Maybe, just maybe, me putting myself on the line might have worked. We've all done nutty things for love. At least I didn't bring my guitar and camp out under her window singing! Right? These types of "take me back" gestures work in the damn movies. I picture John Cusack holding that boom box over his head and fighting for the girl of his dreams. Expressing himself! And it worked for him! But, if it didn't work? What if days pass and I don't hear anything from her? Or ohmygod even worse than that what if I get some long email containing a laundry list of why the relationship could never ever be successful? Well that would be HORRIBLE. Now my brain is really feeling superior about my heart's choice. Dang.
But maybe knowing for sure she is over me would help cauterize my heart's open wound and let the process of healing begin. Or send me to her doorstep with a boom box.
