Hey wanna know a secret? Come super close because even most of my friends don't know...
Promise not to tell?
Well I believe in a higher power! Now before you get too up in my grill about it please understand I have a hard time even calling it G-O-D because his little followers have sure taken all the fun out of it. They read messages of love and peace and turn it into an excuse to take up arms against others, burn up herbalists at the stake, and bring a baseball bat to extract justice on "the gays".
Nonetheless I think faith is one important concept. And it is hard as a lesbian to find a place of faith that feels like home. A few years back I made the rounds of some churches here in town. If you eliminate the ones that outright hate gays the selection is pretty scarce. One place was too hippy dippy even for me (meditations, changing and group hugs! spare me!), another didn't even mention Jesus, and most were others were only willing to ignore the gay issue rather than come out and support it.
So mostly my faith is a private matter. One thing I do is borrowed from Anne Lamott. It's called a God Box. I have this beautiful container sitting on a bookshelf in my bedroom. When things come up in my life that are too big for me to fix, too hard to carry, or too painful to move through - I put them in the box. Sometimes it is a phrase scribbled on a piece of paper, more often it is a little token that represents my struggle. Now keep in mind this isn't advised for stuff like speeding tickets or overdue credit card bills! But an overriding fear of failing at nursing school, or a bracelet from love lost - that is perfect!
Some stuff stays in there for years...and occasionally it gets to the point of needing a cleaning. I really enjoy reading back through everything. It is like a diary of the darkest parts of my life. At one point I had an expired epi-pen in there. Terrified of every day I sent my son to preschool knowing that a carelessly placed peanut could put him in the hospital.
Somehow, just putting a symbol of the problem away for the box to carry for a while really helps. And the small distance between where I sit at my computer as I type this and where the box sits on my shelf is filled with faith. And it helps me remember that all will be well - even if I can't find my way.
