Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Our bodies...

A long, long time ago, when I had first returned to Tally town I decided to try online dating. Truthfully I could write an entire blog just about my failed experiences. But let's start with one of the first rounds of misery.

At this point in my life I had a four year old and I was a single lesbian living in the Deep South. For those of you who don't know...the Deep South is a very homophobic place filled. Finding dates was challenging. Also, in the back of my mind I was returning to the Southwest to live - once I had fulfilled my family obligations and figured out this whole parenting thing.

So gradually my fruitless searches of my zip code bored me - and I expanded it to include Albuquerque. After all, this was the home base of my job and I flew out there every 3 month. I had every intention of living there before my kid began kindergarten.

Lesbian online dating in ABQ offered many more choices and before too long I was emailing with another woman. She was single! And a mom! And even had used the same sperm bank! She was college educated! And a teacher! She had a great sense of style and we made each other laugh.

She decided to come visit. I was on top of the world. More details emerged that made it seem as if my luck were finally changing. She was heir to some crazy huge media conglomerate and had things like "assets" and "portfolios". But her real passion was teaching. Sure she had enough money to retire but she loved her students and loved her job at a local high school. A down to earth millionaire! WOW!

As you could imagine I was anticipating a fairy tale arrival. She and her son deplaned and I waited with balloons for the kid and take out from the fanciest place in town for her. Things were a whirlwind of activity. She with a two year old and me with a four year old. Finally the kids were asleep and we were alone.

We hadn't spent much time actually talking up to that point. Mostly email and online chats. And face to face the chemistry just wasn't there for me. She didn't laugh, didn't cry, didn't really seem to emote at all. I was wondering if maybe she was I didn't push it. But she ate with her mouth open and drank a bit too much and her stories, when unedited and "live" dragged on for so long I had forgotten the point half way through.

Oh god. My subconscious was telling me that I had made a huge mistake getting this stranger to fly across the country before I had really TALKED TO HER ON THE PHONE but it was too late now. She was in my house. And when the conversation would lull I was sure I heard a whistling in her nose that sounded just like Ava Maria. I yelled at my subconscious, "don't be so damn picky!". But the first night ended with an awkward hug and separate rooms.

As I laid in the dark trying to sleep I told myself the 100 reasons I should give her a chance. I told myself that she was a good mom, a good writer, and kind. Her clothes were super awesome and she was rich! "Don't mess this up you picky bitch". And I fell asleep. But, my subconscious rebelled.

In the days leading up to her arrival I had shaved my lady parts for the first time since childbirth. And that night one little hair follicle became the embodiment of my subconscious.

I awoke in pain. As if some evil leprechaun had planted a sand spur up where no leprechaun has a right to be.

Ever studly, I ate a handful advil and ignored it. I mean...what was I supposed to do?! "Hey could you hold this hot compress to my vagina for me???!"

The day of sightseeing almost killed me - and what little we had to talk about was a shock. How could this girl write 3 page letters of the most amazing prose and sit on the couch with nothing to say?! Night two ended poorly...with her attempt of a "move" resembling a goodbye kiss from a great aunt with too much to drink. She sensed my distance and tried to sneak into my bedroom telling me that she tended to "grow on people" and I shouldn't be worried if I didn't feel sparks....yet. And then either she winked or had some kind of tic. Can't be sure.


The next morning my sand spur had turned into a chinese throwing star. And with another 5 days of her visit facing me I knew I had no choice. So I told her. I then took myself straight to the doctor for a VERY UNPLEASANT experience that at least concluded with narcotics.

The rest of the trip was unremarkable. I was angry at my lady parts for taking the side of my sub-conscious and not letting me at least fill the conversational voids with kisses. As she boarded the plane I wondered if maybe she was right...and maybe had we messed around I would have connected with the part of her that intrigued me from her emails.

I'll never know - I wrote her before her plane even landed that I didn't think it would work but wished her the best and blah blah blah. I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere...don't let a stranger fly across the country to see you? Online dating is useless? Or maybe just not to shave with an old dull razor. That's probably it :)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

and then...

When I first moved back to Tallahassee from the great Southwest I had this crazy phobia of a tree falling on my house. I think the decade of living in the high desert made the deep South feel a bit claustrophobic with all its live oaks and pines towering above me. And within the first year of moving back - not once - not twice - but THRICE did fifty year old trees crash into my yard. Each time was terrifying and led to a frantic call to my landlord begging him to send an arborist to root out any murderous evergreens lurking in my yard. Hurricane force winds pummeled through town regularly - and each creak or bump in the night sent me into panic.

Once, while working at my computer desk, I heard a deafening SLAM! It sounded like an enormous sword slashing into a shield! This was a bright and sunny day though, and when I looked outside I didn't see a fallen limb on the I climbed up on the roof and saw a small hole. The hole was about 5 inches wide and was directly above where I had been sitting. I peered into the hole and at first couldn't see anything. I wondered if a meteor had hit my house! I climbed down from the roof and entered the attic. Embedded in the support beams, inches from piercing the ceiling, was a 4 foot branch bigger in diameter than my thigh. It had snapped off from a tree and hurled itself like a javelin towards my head!

It was at that point that the tree fear turned into a phobia.

I was so scared.

The next horrible hurricane came through town a few weeks later. I sat awake fretful and trying my best to stop catastrophic scenarios from playing in my head. Even the vision of my sleeping 2 year old couldn't settle my mind. So I decided to pray.

I prayed to not let a tree fall on my house...or my car...or my head...or my kid's head. And then I thought maybe that was too much to ask. I mean, I hadn't prayed since I had been a kid and maybe you can't just start off praying for big stuff after such a long absence. So I thought it might be better to start off smaller...maybe a question.

"Hey you tell me if I die by a tree falling on me? I I wasting my time worrying about this? Or should I cut down all my trees?"

OK too much question. To the point.

"Hey God, will a tree ever fall on my house"

And in my head...I swear I heard a "No"

Wow! Had that just happened? Seriously? And my first thought? The very first thing that popped into my head??!?!

"Oh it's cancer isn't it? Is that what kills me? Car accident? Rabid raccoon? TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

By now...

By now I really thought I would have things figured out.

I mean seriously folks, I am mature, seasoned, a parent, a scholar...I have driven across the country in search of passion and place...I have a passport with stamps from more than ten countries...I've performed for crowded concert halls (sometimes with a guitar and sometimes powerpoint) and even won a sailing trophy!

So then tell me...why during the coldest winter I can remember am I cuddled up next to a golden retriever rather than some wondrous woman? How can I accomplish so much in so many ways and be so lost in others?

I have learned that the older I get the less I understand about love...