Friday, February 25, 2011

guess what...

guess what is no longer on the shelves of my local goodwill?!?!?

That's right loyal readers - my former love rocket has a new home.

I debated with my friend as to whether it was purchased or thrown out. My friend, obviously a pessimist, thinks that an employee noticed the dildo and promptly discarded it. But Occam's Razor is a truth I live by. Poorly paraphrased it means that when confronted with more than one possibility, the simplest solution is most often the correct choice. And the simplest solution the the problem of "Where's the sex toy?" is that it was purchased. I rarely see an employee (hourly wage or otherwise) going that extra mile by looking for additional work during their shift. The idea that a goodwill worker would be wandering around looking for miss shelved or out-of-place items seems like a stretch. Have you been to a goodwill? There doesn't appear to be much order other than the color coordinated clothing. Snow skis are next to blenders that are next to broken guitars covered up with dusty fake flowers.

Plus there is the faith factor. I choose to believe that someone is the proud new owner of that thing and I wish them nothing but success with whatever plans they have ;)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

other days...

some days you feel like you are doing good. Making progress...moving on.

some days the sun is warm and you wake up with windows open and little birds singing.

Some days you are inspired, so much so that maybe you decide to get out your summer shorts and sandals. And in pulling out the cedar chest of dormant treasures you spy on the floor a favorite t-shirt that somehow got tossed around and has been hiding hidden for a few months.

And that t-shirt for sure needs to go in the wash, because mixed in with the golden retriever fur bits is a long dark hair left behind from someone that never calls, texts or emails anymore.

"How long until you don't miss someone anymore?" Was my thought as I threw the shirt in the wash...

I blame the sunshine and the perky damn birds.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the art of parody

My funny new friends who love to make parody videos! I love the song and love their take on it :)

mission accomplished...

-a 22 year old young man flirted with me and asked me for my NUMBER (which I did not give him)

-I had wine and brownies with Ira Glass

-tomorrow includes breakfast with a woman who is involved in a modeling show this weekend

yup. I'm da shit. Take a step back and watch out!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

my baby...

He wakes me up at 6:30 most days..
He can't find ANYTHING on his own...
He needs constant feeding and cleaning...
He comes with science fair projects, reading homework, soccer practice and math club
His shoes will always find the poo to step in
His hands will always make every surface sticky
You'll learn how to cook cupcakes without eggs
You'll witness every childhood sickness in the books
You'll worry and cry


You'll learn, laugh and love more than you even thought was possible. A million times more than you thought was possible.

My little man told me that they were learning all about St. Valentines last week. The culmination of the teachings was an assignment where the kids had to write a narrative about what it would be like to care about something so much you were willing to give your life to be true to your principles. He told me that after the teacher read his writing she called him over and told him that his story had made her cry. I asked him what he wrote about and he said, "!"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

still there...

If anyone is in the market for a used sex toy ;)

Monday, February 14, 2011


this post is not at your own discretion.

I have a very wonderful friend who was born and raised in Israel. I met her during my graduate studies and we became closer than sisters. Even though she returned to Israel and I don't get to see her nearly as often as I should, she still lives in my heart and I try to rely on pearls of wisdom she has given me over the years.

Once such pearl began with..."My goodness, you have the worst luck of anyone I know!" She said that her tradition says that sometimes bad luck becomes an uninvited guest in your home. What started out as a casual date with Bad Luck can turn into Bad Luck crashing on your couch, using your toothbrush and never washing his dishes! To root him out, she explained, you must go through your home and find "power objects" that no longer serve you. For example...bad luck with romance? Well are you holding on to your ex girlfriends flannel shirt from 10 years ago? Yes? Then get rid of it! Two car accidents in a month? Is there a speeding ticket from that road trip to Colorado five years ago still waiting to be paid? Pay it!

She suggested going through my entire house and looking for old love letters, broken totems, cracked buddhas, a concert stub from the time my girlfriend cheated on me with the bartender - and cleaning house! But you can't just throw these things away.....noooooooooooo! You have to return them, burn them, donate them, throw them out to sea...something that really allows you to "let go".

Periodically over the years I have scavenged through my house - because I am someone who really does put alot of power in silly objects. I really will save a t shirt from a former love just to keep that connection. And even though I hide it way way in the back of my closet...I sure know it's there. And according to old traditional Jewish folk wisdom, this is an open invitation to the bad luck fairy of love.

Now - giving back a shirt or a burning a love letter is one thing...but what about other things? A family engagement ring? A watercolor painting of tulips? sex toy? Yikes!

Ah that is tricky! What on earth could you do to ceremoniously "let go" of a dildo? God knows it hasn't seen any action since our country actually had an economic surplus...but what they heck should be done with it? (Holy cow I am imagining the google searches that are hitting this blog post by mistake with those keywords). You can't burn silicone hot enough to melt it! You certainly shouldn't mail it back to your ex and her happy wife! So through all my purging - the dildo remained. But today, being yet another solitary Valentines Day, I was so determined to turn my dating luck around that I racked my brain until it hit me! The plan would require some bravery, luck, and a friend to keep look out (but then again all good plans require such!).

Look closely at the photo and you will see the shelf of a local Goodwill. Baskets and dishes, a duck teacup of some sort and shirts. Look a bit closer and you will see, a formerly adored sex toy nestled in with other housewares. And for the low low price of $3.99 this item can be YOURS! Because bad luck to me could be hours of fun for the next owner! My icky juju escaped the moment I slapped a price tag on it and placed it on the shelf!

And perhaps, today's healing hijinx will be just what I need to kick that bad luck love fairy out of my house for GOOD! As my friend and I were heading out the door, elated and self satisfied, we spied a young lesbian couple walking in...perhaps shopping for some valentines day spice - but on a budget!

happy monday

so I am sitting here a wee bit hungover and a tad bruised from some silly wrestling choices last evening...and waiting for a callback from my son's dentist since he now has an abscessed tooth (of course) and next on the agenda is running up to the elementary school with a veggie platter for a vday celebration.

So happy valentines day to all of those who still believe in romantic love...this is the card I picked out for myself...

Friday, February 11, 2011


It might be that I am a visual person...when taking a test, I can picture exactly on the page where the needed bit of information was written. I can recall exactly how the unkempt hair from my girlfriend of 100 years ago would fall into her eyes when she looked up from reading when I walked in the door.

Maybe then it makes sense that my memories are like snapshots in time.

The other day I was waiting for my son after school...all the kids were exploding out of the doors so HAPPY to be free. It was a cold and rainy day. 99% of the kids had the full gear for it...hats and jackets...and hurried against the weather. And then I saw the one kid with a short sleeved t-shirt just loitering around...all the adults chiding him about "where's your jacket"...

and I remembered a moment just like that

I was probably 11 years old and waiting for school to start. It was pouring down rain and all the kids were arriving from buses and cars. We had to wait under an awning until the school bell rang and the doors were open. I was the kid wearing the short sleeved shirt and freezing my ass off. The other kids teased me and the adults around joined in with the "young lady where is your jacket" comments. Now that I am a mom I know the 100 reasons why an 11 year old would go out in freezing rain without a jacket...they lost it, you forgot to remind them, they were throwing a fit...of course as a parent you have quite a few jobs in the morning. Food, clothing and prompt arrival at school. Sometimes you fail.

But my parents were about as effective as rabid wolves at parenting. They dropped me off before there were adults at the school to supervise me and could have cared less if I were dressed appropriately. I didn't know at the time they lacked such skills...I just thought the other kids were simply smarter than me to have remembered their jackets. And I resolved to write myself notes of things to remember to bring to school.

But I didn't want to feel stupid. And I knew they were teasing me for being different. And my problem solving skills were...well...skewed. So I told my fellow classmates that I actually had a jacket on. They just couldn't see it. My jacket, I explained, was made of a team of amoeba who were single celled organisms that could absorb water. So I stayed dry and warm.

As you can imagine the kids REALLY took the teasing up a notch at that point - so to prove to them that I in fact wouldn't get wet I danced and played around in the pouring rain. I can remember almost believing I had amoeba friends watching out for me...but I sat in school the rest of the day soaking wet and miserable. I probably should have felt proud for at least knowing what the hell an amoeba was...but I didn't. I just wished I had a damn jacket.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

alright fine...

So even though I feel ridiculous even saying this - I purchased yet another self-help book. It's very cliche for a 40-something year old lezzie to sit around with her golden retriever and read self-help books on the weekend, isn't it? This one is called "Attached" and allegedly will teach me why oh why my deeply ingrained patterns are RUINING all the wonderful romantic relationships I try to maintain.

I heard the authors speak on NPR last week and they could have been talking directly to me. The neuroscience behind why I select mates, and the chemically ingrained maladaptive traits that spiral into sabotage.

Hopefully this isn't yet another touchy feely hard cover waste of my time...and the fact that none of the bookstores in town had it in stock could be a ominous sign.

Amazon just let me know that the book should arrive...just in time...for valentines day.

How fucking fitting.

I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, February 07, 2011


somedays I awaken after three hours sleep...
and gently get my groggy son ready for his day
and make small talk with his teachers
then race to a nice woman's house and clean for four hours straight
of course skip lunch and take my elderly mother to the doctor
pick up my hyper son from school
quickly hit the grocery store
assist my gloomy son in two weeks worth of busy work he missed while out with the flu
make dinner that includes veggies and fake pork ;)
wash the dishes
help my sleepy son research the super fun and yet easy for mom science fair project
feed the ravenous dog
put the amazing kid to bed

and then?
then it's me time ;)


Saturday, February 05, 2011


Home with a sick little man. It is heartbreaking to love someone so much and be powerless over their suffering! The flu sucks. His egg allergy prohibited him from receiving the vaccine...and my precious angel has had every last dang symptom that flu can throw at him.

He spends alot of time sleeping...which means I have cleaned my house. my closets, my car and my dog. I have baked elaborate sweet treats, savory dinners and yummy biscuits. Mr. Flu hasn't really had an appetite - so most likely I have gained 4 pounds ;)

He is finally turning a corner - and even a trip to Publix feels like Disney World. I can finally steal away for hours at a time with my convalescing sweetness safely under the watchful eye of the 'rents. Whatever shall I do?

Friday, February 04, 2011


Oh be careful what you wish for...we all know that. "Please let me learn how to be patient" translates into being stuck in the line at the bank for 45 minutes and "I wish I didn't have to go to work today" morphs into a car accident.

I get that.

But still I wish...

I think that wishing is a sign that I still have faith. I have faith that good things are possible - and I have at least a small hand in guiding goodness my way.

So I got this fancy pants wish bracelet years ago. I sat in my bedroom, all alone at night, surrounded by an amazing kid, a great job, and an abundance of friends. Sadly though, no partner. "Alrighty wish bracelet" I said, rolling up my sleeves. "Give me a girlfriend". And since I wanted to be clear I made sure to ask for the OPPOSITE of my awesomely disappointing ex. "Please let her be madly in love with me, head over heels. I want PASSION". And so POOF! The wish was set in motion. Months go by and I in fact begin dating. And true to my wishes she was seriously in love. I was showered with gifts, treated to romantic getaways, and never for one second doubted her feelings. I hadn't been specific enough in my wish, however, because this woman lived a million miles away and would never leave her family. And the relationship ended after a wonderful few years and a horrible many months.

Ever optimistic, I tried again. "Oh mighty wish bracelet! I was too careless in my wishing! How I would really love to have a girlfriend in the same city! And yes, wish bracelet, I know relationships are hard, but let me find a girl worth the fight!"

And with a silent but mighty POOF I tied it to my wrist.

Many months later comes the most amazing woman. Blissful time together zoom by and suddenly I am in the middle of struggles. She was absolutely worth the fight...but she did not agree that I was.



So I am thinking of my new wish...what should it be? Maybe just to be satisfied making dinner for an amazing little guy, having a good book on my lap, and great friends for fun times. Let's see how the wish fairy screws that up.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

no answers...

the tricky thing about life is not doing the right thing...but knowing the right thing to do. I could easily attest that most people do what they *feel* is right...or at least that is true with the people I surround myself with.

It used to be an amazing characteristic of my personality though. I was a rare person that knew the right thing to do. I was sure of my path, my heart and my choices. Somehow...age wore that certainty down to a little nub. A shiny little nub with not even a rough spot to grab hold of.

My life-long career fell away...and started the spiral of confusion.

Not that I think I'm in a bad's just that my course feels uncharted and precarious. Like I'm on a game show during the agonizing pause before the host reveals the contents of the box. The entire audience holds its breath to see if the contestant will walk away a millionaire, or walk off the stage filled with second thoughts. But that dramatic pause keeps going and going and going...

I can promise you that if I had a set of operating instructions I would follow them to the letter. So any ideas would be appreciated :)

How many failed job interviews do you go on before you redo your resume? And if the girl of your dreams doesn't say "yes" do you move on or stay? I no longer have any answers. And I find it impossible to believe that I know less in my 40's than I did in my 20's...(sigh)