I am a superstitious gal...
Embarrassing to admit (maybe) but it's true.
I have a silver angel trinket that I carried to work with me every single day I was a floor nurse...and each morning I would say a prayer, kiss the angel, and hide it in my pocket. That angel was with me for each chest compression of a patient struggling to stay in this world, each swipe of the time clock, and every drive home.
Somehow I have created another ritualized superstition...perhaps even more embarrassing...because this superstition involves a video game.
Star Craft. If you haven't heard of it then you obviously aren't a uber geek.
I'll wait while you make fun of me...
All done? Any questions? Good. Then let's get back to the story...there's an epiphany coming!
Back more than a year ago...when my heart's love had put some distance between us...I would try my best to give her the space she had asked for. This was impossible but I tried my very best. Thinking of her constantly, I would naturally wonder if she were thinking of me. I didn't even know where she was (traveling abroad? Staying with family?) and it nearly drove me crazy. To distract me I would create a Star Craft scenario that was difficult to beat...nearly impossible in fact, and say in my mind "If I can beat this level, that woman is out there thinking of me, missing me, and loving me".
And I would lose. And try again. And lose. And try again...until I won.
Sometimes I would say things like "If I win this time - I will call that woman and she will answer!!"
And I would lose. And try again. And lose. And try again...until I won.
Somehow that silly ritual eased my mind, helped the time pass and managed to distract my broken heart.
The games can last for hours...and I would save my progress from time to time...calling the games things like "shewillcall" or "dontgiveup"...my nomenclature might seem pathetic when viewed through the lens of a more rational person, but to me it was more like a mantra for the evening.
Of course I felt silly...but as I have mentioned before, I was raised by feral wolves and don't always behave like the so-called "mature adults".
These days my mind is weary with struggles at work. I am so accustomed to being well-liked and successful in my work environs that I don't even have a frame of reference for my new job. I seemed to have either stepped into a looney bin masquerading as an "office", or my inter-personal skills have deteriorated by an exponential degree since the last time I was an 8 to 5'er.
In either case I find myself unglued when I think about going to sleep, waking up, and returning to my desk.
So I stay awake way way way past my bed time, playing my games.
The game begins by me saying things like "If I win this game I will have a good day at work tomorrow" or "If I win no one will yell at me tomorrow". And for the hour or so it takes me to play the game my mind is empty of stress. Gone are the feelings of gloom and panic. Electronic meditation?
And when I lose, I try again. Feeling silly for attaching the outcome of my game to a wish for better things...
But I then I realized something. Electronic epiphany ;)
It isn't that my strategic efforts in the game have any real impact on whether or not my girlfriend calls, or how successful my upcoming workday will be...it's the fact that I don't give up when I lose.
I don't really believe the game has anything to do with finding a solution to a problem, but my dogged determination to win definitely does.
I don't give up. At games...in love...or in anything. When I lose, I try again.
This evening I called my game "icandothis"...and I won on the first try :)
And somehow, silly as it sounds, I am ready for work tomorrow!
