like yesterday...

I had a doctor's appointment in the morning twelve years ago today...just a regularly scheduled midwife exam. My nasty gross mucus plug had expelled itself a few days before..."a good sign" my midwife would tell me. She would perform an ultrasound and tell me it could be "any time" in the next two weeks. From the looks of him on that fuzzy gray screen, Jackson was about 6 pounds and was doing well.

Adrien took me to the appointment, and to breakfast afterward. Everything revolved around FOOD for me. I had eggs and chile rellenos.....yum! Every day little J was in my belly I craved spicy foods. I remember putting my fork down during the meal - a very rare thing for a pregnant lady - because I was feeling pangs and bumps and wiggles from the little man...but I was so used to being miserable that I didn't think a thing of it. And I wasn't about to waste one bite.

Adrien took me back home even though I told her I was fine and wanted to go back to work. I wandered around my big old lonely house trying to find something to take my mind off feel crummy. I was restless, uncomfortable and the house felt enormous.  I threw up my breakfast (but that wasn't unusual) and pooped for over an hour (also not too unusual for pregnant me). I tried to nap, watch tv, take a walk....but I was starting to get scared and finally called Adrien. She wasn't at work (now that was unusual). She said she was packing an overnight bag. "Why?" I asked her...and she laughed and said "BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LABOR!"

So we timed the contractions over the phone and sure enough they weren't just plain old being pregnant and miserable pains...they were regular, and consistent and laboring kind of pains.

I called the midwives and they said no need to rush...we still mostly likely had a day to go...so Adrien finished packing up and headed over to my place.

Then the memory gets hazy.

I remember her driving me to the hospital...each bump in the road made me feel like I was passing out. I remember walking in to the triage area and stopping every 5 feet to brace myself against the wall, or ground, or random post. Then suddenly I was laying in the comfy room waiting to be seen by a midwife and kept thinking there was no way in hell I could do this. It felt like every cell in my body was trying to escape through my skin. These weren't cramps or contractions...these were electrical shocks from my soul. I knew that statistically speaking labor lasted 14 hours. It was around 2 o'clock at this point and I had only been hurting for maybe an hour...so I was still in early labor!!!!! I turned to Adrien and said oh hell no makeitstoprightnow... I screamed at her to get out and come back with an epidural. Adrien tried to reason with me, reminding me that non-insane Karen had wanted a natural experience. But all the soothing and coaxing just made me more ferocious and pretty soon Adrien left the room and returned with a midwife.
I have a friend with four kids and she jokes that there should be a person called an "epidoula". And their job would be to accompany a laboring woman to the hospital and yell "EPIDURAL RIGHT NOW" until the anesthesiologist comes running.

So the midwife arrived and promptly stuck her hand up in me for about a millisecond before pulling it out....shocked to discover I was already 10 cm and ready to push!

Well then everything happened really fast.

They moved me into a birthing room immediately.

That's when I realized that blood was just oozing from my most precious bits and I was shocked that no one seemed to mind. I was leaving a trail as I walked!! YUCK!  The nurses and midwives just laughed when I kept trying to clean the mess as I hobbled along the hall to the birthing room.

Four hours later I was holding the most precious thing this world has to offer. Where there was one...there was now two.

And even though his feet stink and he drains every penny I make and is a horrible dishwasher...I have never in my life done anything more rewarding than be his mom. It is absolutely the reason I was on this planet.

Thank you, my little man, for 12 great years....may the best of last year be the worst of the next.

scrub it DOWN

I was outside quite a bit today playing with Mr. Waffle the Fearless Kitty. I was also donating blood to the local mosquito gang...

I would imagine that I personally fed about 542 of the little fuckers...and when I returned inside I was itching like a 3 dollar frog hanging wallpaper.

So I finished my evening chores, reconnected with a sweet dear friend and gave myself a nice long soak in the tub. Candles were lit, oils and salts were added to the perfect temperature water and I let myself drift into pure relaxation. Feeling the urge to exfoliate the mosquito whelps from my skin interrupted my respite...and I used my handy dandy, all natural loofah type bath brush all over. The heat of the water and the salt and oils mingled wonderfully and I finally felt relief from the lunacy mosquito bites can bring.

Upon exiting the bath, wrapped in my comfy robe, I slathered myself with lotion and suddenly felt a stinging sensation ALL OVER! I had been over-zealous in my exfoliating! I think maybe the first 3 layers of skin had been removed!

So I sit here and patiently wait for my skin to settle down....

And while stalking checking out my friends on facebook I came to the conclusion that I don't go out enough. Because the fodder for my blog consists solely of work, motherhood, heartbreak and dermatology.

Part of the problem is that I don't drink. Going out is not as much fun when you are the designated driver. Add in my laziness and general ennui and you have a hermit in the making.

Tomorrow? The 26th of August? I shall GO OUT! And not just to the grocery store or to visit my aged mother unit! I will go out and find some FUN!

If my skin has healed  ;)

sleeplessness....

It isn't really that I have insomnia.....

for some reason (these days) I just don't like to sleep.

Maybe it is hormones?  Most of my semi-adult life I have felt like a passenger riding the river of hormones. Sometimes enjoying the rapids, other times colliding against the rocks...begging for shade on a sunny day or straining for starlight at dusk.

I miss having my sweet baby laying next to me....dreaming of lizards and dragons

but I miss the gentle breathing of my girlfriend even more.

So I sit awake and play games, tidy the house, enjoy being quiet. Nighttime me is a big planner too! Making lists and organizing my calendar...not realizing that daytime me doesn't really pay attention to those things!

In the night I am a perfect mom, wonderful friend and on time for all my appointments. My girlfriend is never disappointed in me and I contently browse for delicious recipes that may or may not find their way into my oven.

I think I love the night because there are no expectations, no pressures, no phone calls and nothing I "should be doing".

Tomorrow I will figure out how to pull this evening optimism out of the dark.....if I don't sleep half the day away that is ;)

uh oh

Well it has happened. I mean, I knew it was already happening...but today it was official.

I am no longer "with it".

While checking out the woot t shirt of the day recently, I saw the  one below and loved it. After all it was organic cotton and depicted a ultra awesome hippie-type design of the four elements! Earth, air, fire amd wind!! Just up my alley! It arrived in the mail a few days ago and I wore it today for the first time. My morning started with the "Mother's Day Brunch" at my son's school. I walked in his classroom door and instantly felt like a celebrity! All the kids LOVED MY SHIRT! Then they explained it actually isn't a hippie shirt at all, but rather some reference to this anime cartoon called The Last Airbender. Of course I have never seen the show and looked like some out of touch OLD PERSON surrounded by preteens giggling at my obliviousness to all that is cool.

This is probably the first of countless times my son and his peers make fun of me...

Here's hoping I still find it funny in the years to come ;)

My jeans are so dark that my arm appears to be floating!

the creation of lactic acid...

Today I will crawl out of my cycle of ennui and join a gym.

The screeching noise you will hear at about 11:30 AM EST will be the sound of muscle fibers, long frozen in place, ripping and shredding and exploding from within their sheaths.

But I have a theory that if I were sculpted and deliciously fit, then I would attract better energy  into my life. Maybe it's true that my diet of oreos and painful reminiscing does lead to weight loss (as my jealous friends hypothesize) but it isn't improving my mood.

So the gym it is...I will take some pictures for ya'll to prove it. And if I end up going more than once every 6 months, it will be a miracle of spring :)