Imagine that your enemy hired an assassin to hunt you down and kill you.
This evil predator would stalk you endlessly, and when he found you, he would end your life with a laser gun. A teeny tiny high powered laser gun. Why teeny?
Well what if that assassin was a snail? A regular sized gastropod who had spent 12 years in the mountains of Tibet learning how to use a laser gun with pinpoint accuracy.
After talking with my doctor today that is how I picture my hand problem.
Sure, I have an assassin on my trail, but he is in Colorado right now...and I am pretty sure I can see him coming way before he reaches me.
Some cancerous assassins are lions, or sharks or tsunamis. From that perspective, I am pretty damn lucky to have gotten a mollusk.
So they dug it out, gave me some cream to use, and sent me home. You KNOW I would grace you with a photo if it weren't all kinds of covered up.
It hurts like a royal mofo. And in all my hysteria to keep picturing a squished snail I didn't ask for owie medicine. But I do have a small pharmacy of anxiolytics for emergencies. Which I think can be used off-label to treat snail attacks.
Next item on the agenda: allergy testing for the little man.
I can only handle one giant ass stress ball at a time...
The one good thing is that the little man has offered to do the dishes until I can get my hand wet! And that, my friends, is what unconditional love looks like. Even a 12 year old knows how to pick up the slack when the slime trail is found outside your house!
Please note that none of my anthropomorphizing intends to offend the noble snail/lion/shark. I am sure they turned to evil vocations in order to better fund such wonderful endeavors as the Sierra Club and WWF ;)
