So even though I feel ridiculous even saying this - I purchased yet another self-help book. It's very cliche for a 40-something year old lezzie to sit around with her golden retriever and read self-help books on the weekend, isn't it? This one is called "Attached" and allegedly will teach me why oh why my deeply ingrained patterns are RUINING all the wonderful romantic relationships I try to maintain.
I heard the authors speak on NPR last week and they could have been talking directly to me. The neuroscience behind why I select mates, and the chemically ingrained maladaptive traits that spiral into sabotage.
Hopefully this isn't yet another touchy feely hard cover waste of my time...and the fact that none of the bookstores in town had it in stock could be a ominous sign.
Amazon just let me know that the book should arrive...just in time...for valentines day.
How fucking fitting.
I'll keep ya posted.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Monday, February 07, 2011
someday...
somedays I awaken after three hours sleep...
and gently get my groggy son ready for his day
and make small talk with his teachers
then race to a nice woman's house and clean for four hours straight
of course skip lunch and take my elderly mother to the doctor
pick up my hyper son from school
quickly hit the grocery store
assist my gloomy son in two weeks worth of busy work he missed while out with the flu
make dinner that includes veggies and fake pork ;)
wash the dishes
help my sleepy son research the super fun and yet easy for mom science fair project
feed the ravenous dog
put the amazing kid to bed
and then?
then it's me time ;)
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and gently get my groggy son ready for his day
and make small talk with his teachers
then race to a nice woman's house and clean for four hours straight
of course skip lunch and take my elderly mother to the doctor
pick up my hyper son from school
quickly hit the grocery store
assist my gloomy son in two weeks worth of busy work he missed while out with the flu
make dinner that includes veggies and fake pork ;)
wash the dishes
help my sleepy son research the super fun and yet easy for mom science fair project
feed the ravenous dog
put the amazing kid to bed
and then?
then it's me time ;)
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Saturday, February 05, 2011
homebound...
Home with a sick little man. It is heartbreaking to love someone so much and be powerless over their suffering! The flu sucks. His egg allergy prohibited him from receiving the vaccine...and my precious angel has had every last dang symptom that flu can throw at him.
He spends alot of time sleeping...which means I have cleaned my house. my closets, my car and my dog. I have baked elaborate sweet treats, savory dinners and yummy biscuits. Mr. Flu hasn't really had an appetite - so most likely I have gained 4 pounds ;)
He is finally turning a corner - and even a trip to Publix feels like Disney World. I can finally steal away for hours at a time with my convalescing sweetness safely under the watchful eye of the 'rents. Whatever shall I do?
He spends alot of time sleeping...which means I have cleaned my house. my closets, my car and my dog. I have baked elaborate sweet treats, savory dinners and yummy biscuits. Mr. Flu hasn't really had an appetite - so most likely I have gained 4 pounds ;)
He is finally turning a corner - and even a trip to Publix feels like Disney World. I can finally steal away for hours at a time with my convalescing sweetness safely under the watchful eye of the 'rents. Whatever shall I do?
Friday, February 04, 2011
wish
Oh be careful what you wish for...we all know that. "Please let me learn how to be patient" translates into being stuck in the line at the bank for 45 minutes and "I wish I didn't have to go to work today" morphs into a car accident.
I get that.
But still I wish...
I think that wishing is a sign that I still have faith. I have faith that good things are possible - and I have at least a small hand in guiding goodness my way.
So I got this fancy pants wish bracelet years ago. I sat in my bedroom, all alone at night, surrounded by an amazing kid, a great job, and an abundance of friends. Sadly though, no partner. "Alrighty wish bracelet" I said, rolling up my sleeves. "Give me a girlfriend". And since I wanted to be clear I made sure to ask for the OPPOSITE of my awesomely disappointing ex. "Please let her be madly in love with me, head over heels. I want PASSION". And so POOF! The wish was set in motion. Months go by and I in fact begin dating. And true to my wishes she was seriously in love. I was showered with gifts, treated to romantic getaways, and never for one second doubted her feelings. I hadn't been specific enough in my wish, however, because this woman lived a million miles away and would never leave her family. And the relationship ended after a wonderful few years and a horrible many months.
Ever optimistic, I tried again. "Oh mighty wish bracelet! I was too careless in my wishing! How I would really love to have a girlfriend in the same city! And yes, wish bracelet, I know relationships are hard, but let me find a girl worth the fight!"
And with a silent but mighty POOF I tied it to my wrist.
Many months later comes the most amazing woman. Blissful time together zoom by and suddenly I am in the middle of struggles. She was absolutely worth the fight...but she did not agree that I was.
Damn.
Alright.
So I am thinking of my new wish...what should it be? Maybe just to be satisfied making dinner for an amazing little guy, having a good book on my lap, and great friends for fun times. Let's see how the wish fairy screws that up.
I get that.
But still I wish...
I think that wishing is a sign that I still have faith. I have faith that good things are possible - and I have at least a small hand in guiding goodness my way.
So I got this fancy pants wish bracelet years ago. I sat in my bedroom, all alone at night, surrounded by an amazing kid, a great job, and an abundance of friends. Sadly though, no partner. "Alrighty wish bracelet" I said, rolling up my sleeves. "Give me a girlfriend". And since I wanted to be clear I made sure to ask for the OPPOSITE of my awesomely disappointing ex. "Please let her be madly in love with me, head over heels. I want PASSION". And so POOF! The wish was set in motion. Months go by and I in fact begin dating. And true to my wishes she was seriously in love. I was showered with gifts, treated to romantic getaways, and never for one second doubted her feelings. I hadn't been specific enough in my wish, however, because this woman lived a million miles away and would never leave her family. And the relationship ended after a wonderful few years and a horrible many months.
Ever optimistic, I tried again. "Oh mighty wish bracelet! I was too careless in my wishing! How I would really love to have a girlfriend in the same city! And yes, wish bracelet, I know relationships are hard, but let me find a girl worth the fight!"
And with a silent but mighty POOF I tied it to my wrist.
Many months later comes the most amazing woman. Blissful time together zoom by and suddenly I am in the middle of struggles. She was absolutely worth the fight...but she did not agree that I was.
Damn.
Alright.
So I am thinking of my new wish...what should it be? Maybe just to be satisfied making dinner for an amazing little guy, having a good book on my lap, and great friends for fun times. Let's see how the wish fairy screws that up.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
no answers...
the tricky thing about life is not doing the right thing...but knowing the right thing to do. I could easily attest that most people do what they *feel* is right...or at least that is true with the people I surround myself with.
It used to be an amazing characteristic of my personality though. I was a rare person that knew the right thing to do. I was sure of my path, my heart and my choices. Somehow...age wore that certainty down to a little nub. A shiny little nub with not even a rough spot to grab hold of.
My life-long career fell away...and started the spiral of confusion.
Not that I think I'm in a bad place...it's just that my course feels uncharted and precarious. Like I'm on a game show during the agonizing pause before the host reveals the contents of the box. The entire audience holds its breath to see if the contestant will walk away a millionaire, or walk off the stage filled with second thoughts. But that dramatic pause keeps going and going and going...
I can promise you that if I had a set of operating instructions I would follow them to the letter. So any ideas would be appreciated :)
How many failed job interviews do you go on before you redo your resume? And if the girl of your dreams doesn't say "yes" do you move on or stay? I no longer have any answers. And I find it impossible to believe that I know less in my 40's than I did in my 20's...(sigh)
It used to be an amazing characteristic of my personality though. I was a rare person that knew the right thing to do. I was sure of my path, my heart and my choices. Somehow...age wore that certainty down to a little nub. A shiny little nub with not even a rough spot to grab hold of.
My life-long career fell away...and started the spiral of confusion.
Not that I think I'm in a bad place...it's just that my course feels uncharted and precarious. Like I'm on a game show during the agonizing pause before the host reveals the contents of the box. The entire audience holds its breath to see if the contestant will walk away a millionaire, or walk off the stage filled with second thoughts. But that dramatic pause keeps going and going and going...
I can promise you that if I had a set of operating instructions I would follow them to the letter. So any ideas would be appreciated :)
How many failed job interviews do you go on before you redo your resume? And if the girl of your dreams doesn't say "yes" do you move on or stay? I no longer have any answers. And I find it impossible to believe that I know less in my 40's than I did in my 20's...(sigh)
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