I miss my Dad :(
He died years ago. Decades of drinking put holes in his liver...those holes wept fluid into his body and poisoned his blood. Watching him die was excruciating for so many reasons. First and foremost was the fact that he refused to acknowledge he was sick, much less dying. It is awkward to try and set up hospice care for someone who is denying the disease.
I scooted back and forth between Tallahassee and Lady Lake many times the last month of his life...bringing my 3 year old son in tow. I made hard decisions that set in motion how the end of my Dad's life would be - and to this day I wonder if those decisions were for the best.
His funeral was soon after Christmas - and only a handful of people were there. I knew my father didn't have many friends and he wasn't close with his family - but it was sad to look out at the empty pews. Those that did attend were shocked to know how long he had hidden liver failure. A testament to his quiet strength...or stubbornness I guess ;)
When the time came for family to speak I stood up. I had so many memories of my Dad and until that morning didn't know what I would share. I stood at the alter and remembered a story that best summed up what my father had meant to me.
I was 21 and decided to drop out of college. Not the first nor the last brilliant idea concocted while on a road trip :) My girlfriend and I were traveling out west on summer break when we stopped in Boulder, CO. Never had she and I seen a town that felt so much like home. Hippies everywhere! Thrift stores and food co-ops on each corner! So that was it. We headed back to college - withdrew - sold everything that wouldn't fit in my Ford Fiesta - and returned to Boulder to make a new home.
It was at that point that paradise began to crumble. There were no jobs for college drop outs - and the only house we could afford was WAY up in the mountains. And it only had an outhouse. Literally. As in, no toilet in the house. But we had each other, and love, and a view of Boulder from up on high.
The money ran out before we could find a job - and I started to realize what an incredibly stupid thing we had done. I was pooping outside people!!! IN AN OUTHOUSE! And it felt cold even in July. I had to come home. Which meant I had to call my parents.
You can imagine how completely pissed they were about this whole new life I was making. They were mad I was off playing house with a GIRL and furious I had dropped out of school. But I was worried we wouldn't even have gas money to get home. Drastic times called for drastic measures.
This was before the days of cell phones...and I still remember the gas station at the bottom of the mountain where I used the phone. Mom answered...but I asked her to put on Dad. I cried as I told him how I was scared and broke and he had been right that dropping out of school was stupid. I told him I was coming back.
And then the silence.
I didn't know what he would say...and his pause seemed like it lasted hours.
He told me he would get on a plane right away - meet me in Boulder - and drive us all home together.
What a guy :)
Not "I told you so" or "you've made your bed now lie in it"...
He just wanted to help his lesbo-hippie-college drop out-baby girl :)
And I'll tell you what - that man always had my back. But that was the day I realized it. And just him being willing to reach out his hand gave me the courage I needed to turn that Fiesta back east and make it home.
Thanks Dad.
