mother unit...

I don't know very much about this whole wide world...and the things I don't know seem to grow exponentially whilst my 100%, for-sure knowledge evaporates with each year.

But I do know that I am a good mamma. I always tell people it just comes easy to me. And even though before I had my son I had never changed a diaper or helped a kid tie their shoe - the moment I first held my son I told him "I've got you" and I meant it. I could be be just what that little baby needed. And I do a pretty damn good job most days (well except for the cussing) ;)

This past weekend was my birthday. My maternal unit was hell bent on taking me out to get me "whatever I needed". I don't enjoy spending time with her, certainly not on special birthdays...and honestly I am old enough to know better. But a little teeny part of my heart still begs for attention from her, and craves any act that can be construed as motherly. So against my sister's advice, I agreed.

Now please understand my devoted reader, that I am living on public assistance, sweat and hope. Each month I come closer and closer to complete financial dissolution. And my only pair of shoes has a hole. Which I hate. Even welfare moms have pride. So I asked if I could maybe get a new pair of shoes and my mother is giddy with the idea.

I pick her up and we begin our day. Of course she needs to run a few errands first...the bank, some stupid ass fabric store (I know, I know, the cussing is bad). Once we hit the shoe store I know I am in trouble. She plops herself down and starts trying on everything in the store. She has 2 sales people helping her pick out the perfect shoes for church as I nose around for something lesbian chic and not too pricey.

My mother decides on a pair of shoes for herself...and of course she needed socks and whatnot. Her grand total? Nearly $300. She looks over at me and says now she doesn't really have enough to get me a pair - but she could give me $40 cash towards anything I want. She then holds onto her package and says how bad she feels for getting a pair of shoes for herself on my birthday but she really needed them.

Sigh.

I didn't take the money. And once again I remember why I don't ask for anything from that woman.

But...if I try really really super hard to look on the bright side I can honestly say that having such a poor excuse of a mother helped me figure out the type of relationship I wanted to have with my own son. And maybe learning how to get what I needed for myself from such a young age prepared me to be in this world on my own.

Still it was a sucky way to spend a birthday - luckily my sister didn't gloat too much ;)

She's Too Good For Everyone

Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.

and so it continues...

well my online dating has started predictably enough. There is one particular woman who POUNCED once she saw my very stunning profile. She emailed a few times, trying to pull off a casual air. The trouble with desperation though...is that it is impossible to hide.

And I found myself wondering if maybe I was being overly harsh. I mean, surely it isn't possible to accurately assess someone from a few thumbnail photos and a paragraph posted online. Why was I so quick to discount someone? My friends urged a meeting...after all, this woman was certainly not unattractive, professional, had a child and seemed to have impeccable taste in women, right?

So we emailed back and forth - but each time I dreaded composing a response. She bored me even in EMAIL! She sent me her phone number about three times and tried to convince me to meet her either "just for coffee" or perhaps with the kids for "an informal playdate".

But I think either you are drawn to someone or not...and yes, that is apparent via email and chat. And so I (as graciously as possible) let her know that I just wasn't feeling it but best of luck in her future endeavors. thanksforplayingbuhbye.

And this weekend I have time away from my little man. He is in another state having fun and frolicking! And me? Well I spent the afternoon with my adopted parents, mowed my lawn and cleaned my house. The thought did cross my mind that perhaps this type of behavior is why I am single.

So to spice things up I vacuumed naked.

Cause I ain't dead yet ;)

the bible says so...

Oh man oh man am I in trouble...

I have taken to my house and will shroud myself in secrecy or else the right wing might come stone me. No, not for being a woman-loving single parent who has been known to work on the sabbath - but because I have cursed at my mother! And the bible clearly states:

"Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death". Leviticus 20:9

Who knew? I knew god hated gays, shellfish, adultery and poly-cotton blends - but I did NOT know I wasn't allowed to call my mother a self-centered, ego-maniacal b$#tch!

DAMN!

best foot forward...

Did you know that if someone lists their occupation as "everything from a medical professional to studying the nature of human beings" that what they really mean is that they took some pre-nursing courses ten years ago and currently work at Wal-Mart?

I love online dating. Really.

daylight revenge

Ah yes...online dating has given me enough fodder for a year's worth of blogging.

Spring is definitely my favorite season. My azalea bush is getting ready to explode with blooms and even my struggling little buckeye looks amazing! Interesting though, as much as I love spring time, I am usually single this time o'year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had a sweet birthday kiss from an adorable babe on any recent March 26th.

But ever hopeful that this could be my lucky year, I take a deep breath and resolve to be less of a judgmental ass as the emails and winks come my way.

And even though it seems I am peaking alot of interest from the Alabama demographic, I'll resist berating every cowgirl with dialup access to the world wide interweb.

So it is in the spirit of spring that I will give folks at fair chance. Just because someone may choose to wear pleated jeans doesn't mean she is a loser, right?! Maybe the picture is from an 80's party! Farah Fawcett rocked some feathered hair, after all - and perhaps it should have never gone out of style!

There are a few contenders in the ring at the moment. An MD from a coastal town, a self described "country gal" from who the heck knows where, a lady from Alabama who lists her occupation as "examining the very spirit of human beings", and a 20-something techie who probably has a momma-complex.

Springtime games beginning in 3...2...

match point

I could write a blog just about online dating.

Because it is ABSURD! I know I am picky, I know I have some prickly edges on occasion - but really what in god's green earth are these people DOING?!?!

The latest wink comes from a woman whose screen name is gentaltouch57.

I really really really hope she was shooting for "gentletouch57" because what it is closer to is "GENITALtouch57". So either she was offering a cervical exam or her typos are atrocious.

She didn't bother with an email - a wink is enough to let a lucky girl know that her gentals are about to be touched by a woman born in 1957.

silly me...

There are two versions of the story of what happened yesterday...

According to my friends I carelessly left a cutting board, kitchen knife and MY HEART on the doorstep of a woman who no longer loves me.

Obviously that isn't MY side of the story ;)

Because I'll tell you something, my heart is not on a cutting board ready for surgery. It is not wrong to thoughtfully and carefully express yourself, is it? I wasn't hurtful or dramatic - I tried to use as few words as possible but still get my point across.

And truthfully I was compelled to try - my heart took over and defied all the logic and reason my brain could hurl at it. Complete system override. How do I feel today though, after hearing no response to my romantic attempt at reconnecting? Well today my brain is kicking my heart and yelling "I TOLD YOU SO - YOU IDIOT".

Secretly my heart is proud of trying...because you never know for sure until you try. And since I really believe this woman is worth it...I tried. But my heart is dutifully taking its lumps and hurting. Hurting worse than I could have imagined.

Maybe, just maybe, me putting myself on the line might have worked. We've all done nutty things for love. At least I didn't bring my guitar and camp out under her window singing! Right? These types of "take me back" gestures work in the damn movies. I picture John Cusack holding that boom box over his head and fighting for the girl of his dreams. Expressing himself! And it worked for him! But, if it didn't work? What if days pass and I don't hear anything from her? Or ohmygod even worse than that what if I get some long email containing a laundry list of why the relationship could never ever be successful? Well that would be HORRIBLE. Now my brain is really feeling superior about my heart's choice. Dang.

But maybe knowing for sure she is over me would help cauterize my heart's open wound and let the process of healing begin. Or send me to her doorstep with a boom box.

I told you it would be funny...

DAY ONE! Not even 24 hours after activating my online profile I get the following email FROM A 50 YEAR OLD MAN!

Hi
Hello, how are you doing today?. I just went through your profile and it was indeed interesting. i must confess that you look very beautiful and still young in your looking. i will love to know more about you, who knows there might have some thing in common in between us. Here is my yahoo dot com ID garryk12.......i will be very glad to read email from you in my inbox as soon as you can, my busy schedule wouldn't allow me browsing through always, my account will be expering soon, i hope to hear from you soon, till then.Remain bless.

Your's admirer
Garry

So of course I checked out his profile. A nice looking 50 year old man hugging his children, standing next to a lake, and enjoying himself with his good looking friends. From the looks of the man, he is definitely from Buffalo, NY and really loves the shit out of kids. And the tone of his email is so sweet too! I mean, don't you agree?! He must confess that I am still young in my looking! YAY! And he will be very glad to read email from me in his inbox as soon as I can! How sweet is that?! Sadly though, his busy schedule wouldn't allow him browsing through always, and even sadder is that his account will be expering soon. But he did wish me to remain bless - which really cinched it for me - he's a KEEPER!

LOL! Hey Nigerians - can you not spend just a little money on English lessons?!?!?!? Or maybe download a few Gray's Anatomy episodes or something and learn we TALK!! I promise more of us will fall for your schemes and mail you money if you learn how to say things like "I hate football" or "My last girlfriend broke it off because she said I reminded her too much of George Clooney".

I wonder who's profile they hacked to grab the pics...prolly some nice guy's Flickr account.

This was such a great idea...I feel so much better about dating now that I know I am still young in my looking.

what makes me happy...

What makes me happy on a day like today is the countless buds on my azalea bushes outside of my house.

Also, I had an amazing bike ride through the wilds of Tom Brown park this morning.

I can grab a hold of these things and keep my day bright even as the clouds come in - and I wonder when the rain is coming down.

Aren't I poetic?

About a month ago a man contacted me on Facebook. An old childhood "friend" who wanted to reconnect. This guy lived on our block and was about 5 years my senior. He was the neighborhood bully, always prowling around looking for trouble. Many times that trouble he found was me. From the time I was about 8 years old until I was 12 he picked on me, teased me, punched me, and many other things too horrible to write about. Things I don't talk to anyone about. Ever.

Once I remember having a really scraped up knee, not sure how it happened. But that damn guy would hold me down and punch the scab until it feel apart - and would leave my knee streaming blood and hurting like hell. He did this over and over and over until I guess the game got old. I still have a scar.

My parents never seemed to notice me coming home with ripped clothes, missing shoes and bloodied.

Why in the hell this balding fat assed redneck would try to "reconnect" is incomprehensible. Most likely I would imagine he doesn't even think about what happened. And despite all my revenge fantasies I decided to just block him, ignore him, and remove any one of my Macon friends that had him as a facebook friend.

Just seeing his aged face again and reading his idiotic words was horrifying. No matter how much therapy you get...well some memories are just too shitty for words. And the world is tough enough without a giant asshole-sexually-predatory bully forcing neuroses into a little girl's soul.

But today I am not that little girl - and that old man who contacted me can't hurt me. I have my azalea bushes and a bottle of beer and some great friends. And I am going to find an amazing hug any minute now...

today's news

Today we find our protagonist wrestling with "doing the right thing"...

I took my mother to Gainesville to see her older sister. My aunt has always been an amazing person...and she is facing death with grace and compassion. Her faith is wrapping her up in a big warm snuggie and she is doing pretty damn well ;)

My mother has always been a less-than-amazing person...and she found herself weeping at her sister's bedside - inconsolable. But I resisted the urge to leave the room or chide her and instead comforted my mother while feeding ice chips to my aunt. Luckily as a student nurse I happen to excel at ice chip administration!

So no, I didn't want to be missing school to drive my mother to Gainesville...but it is "the right thing to do".

Yesterday morning, before leaving town, I awoke to panic. I was certain that the trip to Gaineville would end with our car flipping over on the highway. I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I am currently studying mental health nursing, so I attempted to allay my fears by diagnosing my brain as "catastrophizing" or "fixating". I then followed up my diagnoses with the appropriate nursing interventions I would use if I ever faced a patient as messed up as myself. Eventually I calmed down by telling myself that it is "normal" to have irrational fears when faced with a dying family member and too much time with the mother unit. Especially while driving to the home town of a girl I am trying so hard to forget.

Upon arriving in Gainesville - we stopped to get lunch. As I sat down to eat a woman rushed into the restaurant screaming "THERE HAS BEEN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT!!!!"

Three police officers who were also eating jumped up and ran out the door. I went out behind them - as did most of the place - and saw a flipped over car not 200 feet from where I was standing. The driver was a woman about my age. It was a brutal accident and I retreated back inside as the officers went to work...Thirty minutes later, the woman was still trapped in her car and the jaws of life were cutting away the crushed door as EMS stood ready.

I am thinking about that woman alot today - and every time I think of her I send a prayer her way...

I learned that trick in nursing school...when you can't do anything about something horrible...you just replace the worry and fear with a positive prayer.

It's been a weird week and I really need a hug.

Oh and I am pretty sure my cousin is a serial killer or a child molester. If he tries to touch me one more time I might run away and leave my mother to fend for herself.

Happy Friday ya'll...send smiles my way if you have some to spare.